One Year Ago

So, I last posted on here exactly a year ago. Unbelievable I'd come to this website tonight after really just posting on FB this whole time! And oh, yeah! A heart attack and then some is what I had. My, oh, my, how my life has changed!! Even with my boy gone home, how ABSOLUTELY wonderful too ...

STEVEN CHARLES DORBER, JR.

That's ALL I really have to say ...

I LOVE YOU, BABY! I LOVE YOU, GOD!

For ever,
Narah

The Massive Heart Attack

Two months since I wrote here and it seems impossible. With everything that's going on, I haven't written in here for that long?! WOW! Well, Facebook has been great for sharing here and there and my journal has been put to good use as well. Everything I've been dealing with has all been so extraordinarily meaty and juicy, in fact, that I actually have a separate journal just for all that's going on at this particular time in my life. I'm not gonna go into details here although I will soon enough (yes, you'll get to be in on it all) but for now, I'm gonna share an e-mail my little sister, Nino, forwarded me and what I wrote back. It really encompasses where I find myself these days.

A preface ... the first part is written by Nino's friend whose sister passed away after a battle with cancer. It is followed by what I wrote back to Nino, my other sisters, and some girlfriends in response.

Dear Flickr Friends,

I am okay, but apparently everyone assures me it gets worse... great. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am looking forward to cratering into an enormous deep dark depression. But until then... screw you motherf_ckers! If you could learn anything from Debby, it was that you should be loving life... it's a gift... it's ALL a gift... even if your life sucks... enjoy it anyways... enjoy each other... and praise God. The rain falls on the just and unjust alike. God doesn't make the mud... he gives you the Grace to get through it....

FYI... If you are in the Houston area

Debby's Wake Vigil/Rosary
Saturday, May 23 at 7 p.m.St. Maximilian Kolbe Catholic Church
10135 West Road (corner of West and Wheatland Rd.)
Houston, TX, 77064 (We are building our new church, so be forewarned that parking lot is not spacious. 2/3 of it is under-construction. You don't have to be Catholic to go. And if you like I can even personally teach you how to pray the rosary. Yay... it's fun to learn new things!)

Debby's Memorial or her aka "Celebration of Life"
Sunday, May 24 at 2 p.m.
Earthman's Hunters Creek Chapel
8303 Katy Freeway (I-10 between Voss and Chimney Rock)
Houston, TX 77024

. . . .

Going through my wedding album looking for pict. for the Wake... I love Deb, she gave the best toast that night. Gorgeous big hair... purple "Barney" dress... Barney as the dinosaur not the store... Deb's description not mine because she felt like a purple dinosaur in it... she looked beautiful. (We reused eldest sister's bridesmaids dresses from her wedding... most of the same cast of characters... all the sisters and both of us had an addition friend named Katherine.) That was a great night!

(I do miss Deb... I washed, then hugged all of Deb's blankets today. And btw... I know it seems strange to cuss and mention God in the same post, but if you knew my sister it would make perfect sense. And God is cutting me a little slack these days... He's not as bad as some people think.)

Sincerely,
Whidbychick

p.s.- When or if I do cratered, please do NOT remind me of this post. Sometimes a good deep dark depression is just what the doctor ordered, but until then... I'll be enjoying some good memories.

I then wrote the following ...

Niner, this is the BEST personal e-mail I've had the pleasure to read in a very lonnnnnng time. Beautiful and perfect and all that great shit!

Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna go ahead and fucking cuss, too. Ha! I have been in my journal like a sailor!! (Sorry, Ma Mere, as Nino so often says). It's just enough of the aster*ks in just the r*ght places, you know? Like, what the FUCK?! Is the world gonna fucking end 'cause I cussed?

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

Ha ha ha ha :-)

This reminds me of the movie "The Sure Thing" when John Cusack keeps telling Daphne Zuniga she's "REPRESSSSED!" "REPRESSSSSSSED!!!!"

Yeah, I am officially having a breakdown, ladies. A MASSIVE ONE like a massive heart attack and you know what? It feels damn good! So much more to come ... sooooooooo much. I'm all over the place but it's beautiful.

I love you all SO much,
Narah XOXO

Ay, Ay, Ay - Growing Pains Are Here Again

Lately, I'm feeling a lot of pain. So much so, I feel like I'm giving birth. And in some odd way, I am. I can feel the new me, the new life a-coming and boy, is it ever uncomfortable! Still, I much rather grow than die slowly, quietly, desperately so onward I go.

All I can say for now is that, in retrospect, it was HIGH time for this freefall and that I am glad to see that I did learn from the last time I went through a major change in my life (my divorce in 1994), that it is not the end of the world as we know it when monster change is happening.

On the other side of all this discomfort is a freer, even happier, more loving me which affirms the fact that change is good indeed and that I'll patiently endure what I must to take possession of that newborn/reborn me. I'm looking forward to it. :-)

Dying To Live

Dying to live ... as I write that, I know I am saying it in 2 different ways. One is I am dying to get to do what I want and to be who I am fully. I am still doing numbers and business things I truly have no interest in and it drags on and on and on. Of course, I am the one ultimately creating this so my goal is to complete all business by the end of this week. Doable? Maybe, maybe not. Committed to it? You bet. This.has.got.to.stop.

The other meaning is that I - the old me - AM dying - to live - so that the new me may live. This dying, this transformation thing, this whatever you call it boils down to the fact that making changes is tough, man. It's particularly tough when you know you have to make them but there is no clear picture of what's to come or of the path you're about to take.

Something inside me - this soul, this God inside me - beckons though and all I know is that, scared or not, I have to take that walk or I will always know an opportunity for growth was lost. I also know that what's to come is even closer to the truth of me than who I am here at this juncture of my life and that alone is enough incentive. Still, make no mistake about it, this, growing, is still downright frightening. However, it is no more so than knowingly and fearfully standing still, which is decidedly not me.

Enthusiastic

If there's one word that describes me, that would probably be it. Come to find out enthusiasm means "in God." Yep, I'd say I have the whole world, life, and God in me. It all just makes me so happy from the inside. Even through the rough periods of my life, I felt that light inside of me. I wrote about it once ... I'll have to find it in my boxes of writings.

I remember becoming aware of that flicker inside vividly. I was in Jacksonville after my divorce and a failed relationship but one night I just woke up and knew I'd be alright in life, no matter what happened. That was the beginning of me now. That was the beginning of my return home, literally to Miami and figuratively to where I came from when I was born. (More on the latter later.)

Bottom line: life is a joy! And, enthusiasm is where's it's at for me.

It Is Not Painless

Change is not painless, nor is it for the faint of heart. Have you ever heard people say "that took balls"? Well I don't agree with what that implies - that you have to act as if you were a man, I guess, and do what you have to do (as if women don't) - but that's beside the point because what I do want to point out here is that you have to be willing to take the risks and the consequences of those risks and the pain of those risks.

One way this translates into what's happening in my life right now is that I am not currently in communication with my father or mother. I am not angry with them nor do I love them any less than I did when I was talking to them but they refuse to change their relationship to one another which has left us with the same dysfunction in our adulthood that we grew up with when we were kids and that's just not something I want to be part of at the age of 36 and with 2 of my own children. It just finally got way too old for me, way too stale or bitter a pill to bear swallowing.

The bottomline, in actuality, was that the pain of staying with the status quo was way more painful than the pain of this new frontier and stage in my life. And the Daily Kabbalah pointed just that out today when it said: "Change is what happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing." You bet.

So, sure I miss them and talking to them but if they or I died today, I'd find comfort in knowing I did all that I could and then some to bring unity to our family and then just chose to move on lest I continue to live their negative life instead of living a positive one of my own. I wish them the best, really, and I wish them both in their mid-to-late 60s an awakening of sorts sooner rather than later. They should know it'll more than likely not be painless. And that it'll take balls.

The Plan

Remember how I said a couple of days ago that I would come up with a plan to handle all the things I HAVE to do? Well, here it is:

Stop feeling like I have to do anything for anybody.

When the phone rings, I often feel I HAVE to answer it.

When someone doesn't call or e-mail me, I often feel I HAVE to call or e-mail them to stay in touch.

When people send all sorts of e-mails, I often feel I HAVE to get back to them. Maybe not today but at some point which leaves it on my To Do list.

When there are holidays, I feel I HAVE to send cards although I often don't because I never get around to them since I already have a thousand things on the aforementioned To DO (DO, DO, DO) list.

When the business needs something done, even though I've said a thousand times HIRE SOMEBODY or YOU ALL HAVE TO PRETEND I'M DEAD, I end up doing what needs to be done.

This is the other reason (other than having my little ones) that there is not enough time to do what I WANT to do ... because I spend the time I DO have doing what I feel I HAVE to do.

Guilt is wicked and silly. Whose life is it anyway, right?

Pablo Picasso & Learning

I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. -- Pablo Picasso

As you know, I am fascinated by quotes. I just love the great things people say. This one is a gem to me because my family for all its brains and intellect (we're all rather smart, high IQ's, etc., that sort of thing) is actually quite artsy - in painting, writing, and music (a triple-threat!) - and Mr. Picasso has always been a part of it. I never felt particularly endeared to him though (art is something I've never REALLY studied although it's on my list) until now because I also love taking on something I know nothing about and learning all about it.

It's how I've learned a lot of what I know. For example, no one taught me computers - Word, Excel, QuickBooks, HTML and creating websites, even typing, you name it. I just sat down and read up on it and, by trial and error, learned. No one taught me how to live a great life ... I just got sick of living a sh*tty one and went to the library and looked up books on how to live better. :-) You get the picture.

Yep, I'm one of those people who loves to learn new things and take on new challenges. I don't know, it doesn't occur as scary to me as it may to others. Do I enjoy looking like a fool? No, not really, but I don't particularly suffer it much either. I love starting at square one and going "huh?" and then figuring it out. Learning is cool, cool, cool and that's one thing that I suspect will never be any different for me.

Growth Spurts

I realized as a journaled this morning that growth spurts continue long after one is a kid. I have been saying how much Ian and Dylan have grown this past year of their lives - particularly the last 6 months - and saw how adults, in general, don't really do that.

It sucks to be stuck in a place in your life without growing. It occurs like such a stagnant puddle or pool of water to me. I rather be growing any day and although I always am to some degree - trying new things, creating, learning - I could not be happier it is happening now again in such a noticeable way for myself. It was SO sorely needed! I'm always pretty happy but these days I am feeling downright giddy like a kid. Funny how easy it is to forget how good that feels! Thank God life is such a circle and brings us back on the loop to remember such happy things. Yay!

Excitement Is In The Air

I am knee-deep in a thousand things that are SO exciting to me. In addition to doing a ton of business stuff, church stuff, seminar stuff, website stuff, workout/training stuff, Obama stuff, I am reading 5 great books - well, I am reading 2, listening to 1 in the car, and doing 2 of them as online courses - that are all impacting my life in such a fabulous way, I wish I could finish them all today! I am also spending my time doing and completing things that I wanted to get done, and spending less and less time on those I really don't. Doing so has allowed me to spend more time with the boys and to be more of the real me. From time to time, I find myself wanting to apologize for my new focus and direction as it's new ground I'm still getting used to but then I remember what this is all about ... my life and how I know it is meant to be and to play out. I swear, I can hardly contain myself. I am back on the right track!

Maybe She's Born With It

I was talking to my little sister, Nino, today about something that bothers me that doesn't bother her at all about our family. It's interesting how 2 people can see things so differently and there's, I think, plenty of reasons why. I think the number 1 reason is distance. She lives in Dallas with none of our family around her; I am here with the issue constantly in my face. However, there are other siblings here with the issue right in their backyard as well but they either don't mind it, don't care, or just choose not to deal with it. How I wish I could be like that!

This is where being born with it comes in. I was born with love and justice as core characteristics. I suspect we all are but I think this is really the center of myself and my calling. In the past passion and social responsibility were words that resonated so strongly with me that I wrote them down on a special page in the back of my journal when I was younger. This is who I am so when something isn't that, I can't help but notice and be bothered even if no one else is.

In my heart of hearts, I know what's happening is not right. At best, the situation is not its positive potential. At worst, it is just plain wrong. This isn't about what is right and what isn't for me either though; it's about what is based on love and what is based on fear. As I said to Nino, "Everything else is bullsh*t, you know?"

I'm a strong believer is all that's good in life and the world. Everything else - all the negativity, hate, et cetera - is, as I said to her "a waste of perfectly good and valuable time that needs to be spent on something else in my life. It's just that simple."

And it is.

30 years of garbage is just such a load! How long am I supposed to carry it? I'll tell you how long ... no longer. :-) It's time to walk away from this, swim from the shore, move on. My heart has waited long enough.

A Course In Miracles

I have heard about this course for many, many, many years and have always wanted to do it (study it). This year Marianne Williamson, whom I love and whom you may know is very directly linked to this blog by its name which I made up from reading her book "A Return to Love," is teaching it on her radio show on the Oprah & Friends channel on XM Radio.

The course is comprised of daily exercises for a whole year and the daily lessons can all be found on Oprah.com. To say that the course is superb would be the understatement of the year and I'm just so glad that after all this time I am finally doing it.

In some weird way, I feel raw again like I did after my divorce. It's as if a new layer is being peeled back and I am conscious of it. I feel deeply connected and safe yet very vulnerable. Still, I am very willing to learn what I thus far haven't because I know from experience now, that this kind of growth while a bit scary is quite a thrill and more than well worth the ride.

I'll keep you posted as I process.