One Year Ago

So, I last posted on here exactly a year ago. Unbelievable I'd come to this website tonight after really just posting on FB this whole time! And oh, yeah! A heart attack and then some is what I had. My, oh, my, how my life has changed!! Even with my boy gone home, how ABSOLUTELY wonderful too ...

STEVEN CHARLES DORBER, JR.

That's ALL I really have to say ...

I LOVE YOU, BABY! I LOVE YOU, GOD!

For ever,
Narah

Ay, Ay, Ay - Growing Pains Are Here Again

Lately, I'm feeling a lot of pain. So much so, I feel like I'm giving birth. And in some odd way, I am. I can feel the new me, the new life a-coming and boy, is it ever uncomfortable! Still, I much rather grow than die slowly, quietly, desperately so onward I go.

All I can say for now is that, in retrospect, it was HIGH time for this freefall and that I am glad to see that I did learn from the last time I went through a major change in my life (my divorce in 1994), that it is not the end of the world as we know it when monster change is happening.

On the other side of all this discomfort is a freer, even happier, more loving me which affirms the fact that change is good indeed and that I'll patiently endure what I must to take possession of that newborn/reborn me. I'm looking forward to it. :-)

Dying To Live

Dying to live ... as I write that, I know I am saying it in 2 different ways. One is I am dying to get to do what I want and to be who I am fully. I am still doing numbers and business things I truly have no interest in and it drags on and on and on. Of course, I am the one ultimately creating this so my goal is to complete all business by the end of this week. Doable? Maybe, maybe not. Committed to it? You bet. This.has.got.to.stop.

The other meaning is that I - the old me - AM dying - to live - so that the new me may live. This dying, this transformation thing, this whatever you call it boils down to the fact that making changes is tough, man. It's particularly tough when you know you have to make them but there is no clear picture of what's to come or of the path you're about to take.

Something inside me - this soul, this God inside me - beckons though and all I know is that, scared or not, I have to take that walk or I will always know an opportunity for growth was lost. I also know that what's to come is even closer to the truth of me than who I am here at this juncture of my life and that alone is enough incentive. Still, make no mistake about it, this, growing, is still downright frightening. However, it is no more so than knowingly and fearfully standing still, which is decidedly not me.

L-O-V-E

Much has been happening lately - in the country, in the world, in all our lives, in my own. I am constantly hearing SO many different stories and perceptions and seeing situations from so many different angles that I keep thinking of what Charles Dickens (1812-1870) wrote in A Tale of Two Cities.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way ..."

As in the 1800's, nothing much ever changes. One sees from wherever one stands and finds oneself in circumstance but even more in perception and in the mind. For some, it is the best of times, for some, it is the worst. I believe Life is SO utterly remarkable that way, in all of these different (and differing) points of view and ways of being. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing and I am so grateful for having been born to partake in it all.

It (Life) truly is the greatest blessing.

That being said, and without intent to minimize it at all, I do believe the physical experience of it - the being here, the being human - is like a "game" of sorts.

I believe we're so beautiful and innocent in spirit and so guilty and almost comical in our egotism. Nothing wrong with that at all. The ego plays its role and, besides, that's just how it occurs for me and not necessarily how it does for anyone else.

For me though, that's the very reason I just choose to focus on the big picture and on the bottomline and that's that LOVE is all that really matters.

Those hugs, those smiles, those glances we share, the conversations, the laughs, the movies, the songs, the dinners, all those moments - the time spent together with people & the LOVE shared - that is ALL that counts.

Everything else pales in comparison so I waste time not on any of it. Life is just too beautiful - and wayyyyyy too short - to do so.

All I care about, the only thing that truly matters to me and makes me happy to wake up, is that I LOVE ... you, me, family, friends, everyone, God, life.

In the end, I truly believe that (LOVE) is all my soul is sure to take with it so that's what I want to feel while I'm here in this body and with you: LOVE LOVE LOVE ... and more LOVE. :-)

Big hugs and kisses to you all.

Always,
Narah XOXO

YOU Are Alive!

This was sent to me by my little sister, Nino (thanks, babe!), who obviously knows this is right up my alley. Yes! I LOVE LIFE! And I thank God SO much for it!

We're SO very blessed to be alive, people, and, if you find yourself in front of a computer reading this, you should know you are RIDICULOUSLY blessed then. RIDICULOUSLY!!! :-) Enjoy!!

All My Love,
Narah


CHANGE
From Paulo Coelho's Blog on 12/29/08

Almost in the space of the same week, I received from two readers a text that was supposedly written by me. No, it is not mine - although it has a lot to do with the way I see life. Since I found the material interesting, and in the hope of discovering the real author, I reproduce them below:

Change.
But start slowly, because direction is more important than speed.
Sit in another chair, on the other side of the table.
Later on, change tables.
When you go out, try to walk on the other side of the street. Then change your route, walk calmly down other streets, observing closely the places you pass by.
Take other buses. Change your wardrobe for a while; give away your old shoes and try to walk barefoot for a few days - even if only at home.
Take off a whole afternoon to stroll about freely, listening to the birds or the noise of the cars.
Open and shut the drawers and doors with your left hand.
Sleep on the other side of the bed. Then try sleeping in other beds.
Watch other TV programs, read other books, live other romances - even of only in your imagination.
Sleep until later. Go to bed earlier.
Learn a new word a day.
Eat a little less, eat a little more, eat differently; choose new seasonings, new colors, things you have never dared to experiment.
Lunch in other places, go to other restaurants, order another kind of drink and buy bread at another bakery.
Lunch earlier, have dinner later, or vice-versa.
Try something new every day: a new side, a new method, a new flavor, a new way, a new pleasure, a new position.
Pick another market, another make of soap, another toothpaste.
Take a bath at different times of the day.
Use pens with different colors.
Go and visit other places.
Love more and more and in different ways. Even when you think that the other will be frightened, suggest what you have always dreamed about doing when you make love.
Change your bag, your wallet, your suitcases, buy new glasses, write other poems.
Open an account in another bank, go to other cinemas, other hairdressers, other theaters, visit new museums.
Change. And think seriously of finding another job, another activity, work that is more like what you expect from life, more dignified, more human.
If you cannot find reasons to be free, invent them: be creative.
And grab the chance to take a long, enjoyable trip - preferably without any destination.
Try new things. Change again. Make another change. Experiment something else.
You will certainly know better things and worse things than those you already know, but that does not matter. What matters most is change, movement, dynamism, energy.
Only what is dead does not change - and you are alive.

Divine Timing

Have you ever noticed how perfect timing is? In a world of what often seems like mostly chaos, it is remarkable it is not ALL utter destruction. It leads me to think it can really only be by design. Ya think? :-)

I'm just glad for it, I tell you. I'm glad for that Higher Intelligence / Being, that which I refer to as GOD, the creator of it all. Because really, if it was just up to us - to plain, egotistical human beings without a seed of goodness inside of us, without being of God's likeness - and worse, if it was all up to pure chance - it would long ago have been over in a much uglier way than the world seems to be and look sometimes.

It is a miracle, life. Really. Each, and every, moment is and are truly divine. How ever did I win the lottery to be here and witness this? Thank you, God!

Thanksgiving

My life is so darn good, there aren't enough words - much less truly appropriate ones - to describe it. Sure it is not perfect and there are things I wish were more on the positive slant of life than the negative but, for me, all there is to do with those is be with them while working on them if they're something that really bother me and I feel something has to shift.

Otherwise, all there is to remember is that that is the background of life - the mere short-term. On the forefront - the long-term - the grand scheme of things - is the grandness of life itself and what it means to be alive in this world.

When I think about it, I just think "Holy mackerel! Life really is the end all-be all!" The beautiful things that surround us - this beautiful planet, with that great sun rising in the morning, beach waves lapping at shores, quiet rivers running through land, our families, our friends, people coming and going places, gorgeous countries, traveling, visiting landmarks, great food, beautiful music, the smell of a baby or the scent on and the feel of the skin of someone you love, a gorgeous sunset ... I could go on and on and on ...

All of this always leaves me thinking that Life is - well - amazing! It is crazy and exciting and sad and lovely and unpredictable and oh.SOOOOO.beautiful.

Nothing could ever compare to the love I feel for people, for life, for God, for goodness, for greatness or to the immense gratitude and joy and happiness I feel to be alive and connected and aware of what it means to be a human being. Thank You for being part of my human experience by being my family or my friend or just a person going through the same general experience of living, period. It's a MOST beautiful thing to be part of, life. I'm for ever grateful for it and all in it and I only hope you are too so that you have a heart so full of good feelings, you're, like me, also left hardly able to describe them.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY!

All my love always,
Narah

From The Family First Calendar

"Sooner or later, we all have to learn to play well with others." I'd say that's what most people do ... and, thank God! Imagine if we didn't. It'd be the Middle East situation all over the world.

Winning & Losing

I've loved and lost; have you?

Divorces, deaths, separations, end of affairs, end of friendships, stopped talking to someone.

It's all one and the same and always simply life in the making.

The Beauty of Life

Whether you believe in God or not, or in whichever way you believe, the beauty of life is the people in it. Good or bad, they all give us something. As I read in my CIOH (Christ In Our Home) booklet's passage for today:

"The Lord puts people in our lives that can help us hear God's voice. The right encouragement, a simple question - their very presence brings a gift that changes our lives. God also put us in others' lives so we can assist them in perceiving what we think is obvious, but is still a mystery to them."

Right indeed so thanks for being in my life for all that you bring to it ... good or bad. It wouldn't be as beautiful or interesting or worth it without you. XO

If These Walls Could Talk

Mine do actually because I have always put stuff on them other than just calendars. From looking at my walls - especially around my desks - and my desks themselves, you could tell a whole lot about me. I have inspiring words I've typed out or cut out, loving greeting cards I've been given, the little cards that come with flowers with loving words from Tod, favorite pictures, paintings or pictures from places I love, things I've been given by friends and the boys, symbols of things that matter to me, and more.

From my marathon time on my digital watch and the marathon results printout to my Nightingale-Conant Manifestations poster to the myriad Paris reminders to the Peace signs and my Peace doves (mis Gaviotas which remind me of my big dreams and of Lu's Gaviotas ... he (big bro Lu) would probably know what I mean), to this 7-months preggo pic in New York (not a good trip on the outside but so great on the inside) carrying 2 1/2 year old Ian with Dylan in the belly (that being part of the great, the other just being so comfortable in myself that I was happy to pack up and go home in a heartbeat when it was clear there was no better thing to do), and on and on.

Who these things all could tell you I am in a nutshell is someone who just feels connected and plugged in to life, someone who's really digging the journey. That doesn't mean I'm "24/7 stepford-perfectly-la-la-la" but I'd say I'm pretty darn happy, calm, and peaceful. I know who and what I care for, what I sweat and what I don't, what matters to me and what's trivial in the grand scheme of things. Life is just good, man, and the signs are everywhere ... including on the walls. :-)

An Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

No, not mine, not yet. But this is great. I don't know where Tod & I got it but it's on our wall in the office and every time I read it, I love it. This is human beings, living and learning, at its very best. Enjoy!

CHAPTER I
I WALK DOWN THE STREET
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost .....
I am helpless ....
It isn't my fault.
It takes for ever to find a way out.

CHAPTER II
I WALK DOWN THE SAME STREET
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in, again.
I can't believe I am in this same place .....
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to find a way out.

CHAPTER III
I WALK DOWN THE SAME STREET
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I SEE it is there in.
I still fall in.
It's a habit ... but,
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It IS my fault.
I get out immediately.

CHAPTER IV
I WALK DOWN THE SAME STREET
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

CHAPTER V
I WALK DOWN ANOTHER STREET.


Author unknown

My Life Right Now

"It seems to me that since I've had children, I've grown richer and deeper. They may have slowed down my writing for a while, but when I did write, I had more of a self to speak from." -- Anne Tyler

I haven't been writing or doing the things I want to do as much as I'd like and I realize that a lot of the slow down or downright STOP these days is based on the fact that I have 2 little ones. They have, for the most part, taken precedence and this is just a fact of life for me. I do enough for myself to maintain my sanity and then just accept what's so ... that until they're a bit bigger, I am pretty much compromised.

I also realize, even more this year, that I have a life full of people, phone calls, e-mails, visits, work, even volunteer stuff all of which take time and that although I want to still do these things, they need to be on a better schedule than I have now. So, I have to get my plan down and put it into action! And I shall do so today!!

I'm looking forward to it and to the life I know is right for my heart and mind at this particular juncture in my life. Making up my mind, taking action. Ahhhhh, I feel better already!

These Moments Are For Ever

I was in the kitchen about to make Ian's sandwich for lunch when this picture of him smiling a silly grin and Dyllie smiling a sheepish one popped up on the laptop's slideshow. It's so cute and funny, it just stopped me in my tracks as I realized "wow, that picture, that funny moment, is for ever."

It's no wonder then I wish my life would never end as we know it will on this here Earth. I suspect the memories - those captured in pictures and those not - are for ever imprinted on my soul though and will always be with "me" - whatever form that may be - no matter what. I sure do hope so anyway because those boys, those sweet, pure, cool souls, are the greatest thing I have ever been so privileged to behold and be a part of. They are more than my dream. They are everything. Love you boys!!!! XOXO

Hanging On

"What we are today does not determine what we will be tomorrow. We are still a work in progress. There is life within us, and God continues each day to nourish and strengthen that life." -- from Christ In Our Home booklet

If sad, depressed, hopeless people, and especially people who commit suicide, realized this - that what we are today does not determine what we will be tomorrow and that we are still a work in progress - they wouldn't be so sad, depressed, hopeless, suicidal. So, hang in there, whoever you sad, depressed, hopeless, suicidal person may be. Life is beautiful! Hang on and you shall see.

Pablo Picasso & Learning

I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. -- Pablo Picasso

As you know, I am fascinated by quotes. I just love the great things people say. This one is a gem to me because my family for all its brains and intellect (we're all rather smart, high IQ's, etc., that sort of thing) is actually quite artsy - in painting, writing, and music (a triple-threat!) - and Mr. Picasso has always been a part of it. I never felt particularly endeared to him though (art is something I've never REALLY studied although it's on my list) until now because I also love taking on something I know nothing about and learning all about it.

It's how I've learned a lot of what I know. For example, no one taught me computers - Word, Excel, QuickBooks, HTML and creating websites, even typing, you name it. I just sat down and read up on it and, by trial and error, learned. No one taught me how to live a great life ... I just got sick of living a sh*tty one and went to the library and looked up books on how to live better. :-) You get the picture.

Yep, I'm one of those people who loves to learn new things and take on new challenges. I don't know, it doesn't occur as scary to me as it may to others. Do I enjoy looking like a fool? No, not really, but I don't particularly suffer it much either. I love starting at square one and going "huh?" and then figuring it out. Learning is cool, cool, cool and that's one thing that I suspect will never be any different for me.

Goodbyes Make Me Crazy

It may or may not still be a ways away but my Mother's Helper (nanny/cleaning lady) will be leaving us. She is expecting and will eventually be returning to her home country where she plans to build a home with her husband-to-be and raise her children. She has a 4 1/2 year-old boy already there with her sister so it's more than understandable why she'd go home and with the new baby more than ever so.

This will be the second person I have daily contact with like this that I'll have to say goodbye to in just about as many years. Not good. I am horrible at this; it just breaks my heart to say goodbye to people I love and am grateful for. She's such a great helper (I don't have to tell her what to do; she just knows what's needed) and she's SO good with my boys. Dylan, in particular, will be very sad. Thank God he'll be going to school in September (or January, at the latest) and maybe when she leaves in the Summer of '09 (if she really does stay that long), it won't be too bad. Hey, maybe she'll decide not to leave at all. You never know. I can only hope but whatever she decides is best for her and her family, I shall support. She deserves that and then some. We love you, Tita!

A Life of Faith

I believe just about everyone lives a life of faith. If we didn't, we'd say the hell with it, who cares, and be one of those people who commit suicide in their desperation because they're so hopeless and see no future.

Faith is not just a "religion" word. In fact, I think maybe that's why people don't recognize it in their lives because they think faith has to do with Jesus only or something. But it doesn't.

Faith is like hope; it just assures or convinces us that tomorrow is worth waiting for and worth living. So we live our todays and we wait for our tomorrows and we keep going knowing that there's opportunity everywhere, even in tough times or crises, and that even though pain is surely to come as part of the process of living, so is joy also around the corner, and at its very best too, when we least expect it.

Boredom

I think I wrote before that I don't know what boredom is. I find life so full and interesting, there just isn't a dull moment to me. I mean, what else do we need beside the moon and the stars, the sun and the sky, our bodies, our minds, the billions of people who have come before and who are here now, to be in constant awe and feel excited and alive? I can't imagine. It's such an amazing life and world right here, right now. I thank God I'm aware of that so much more often than not.

Done

The hardest thing yet I've had to do as a parent was done yesterday when I sat down with Ian and told him Snoopy had died and explained death and life in general. He cried a little and asked me questions and was just wonderful, as always. No surprise there. I was surprised at how well I explained the situation.

I had researched online how to tell a child about a pet's loss but didn't write anything down or practiced in my head what I would say. I didn't plan the moment - it just seemed the right time when it came - and I just let the words come out, one by one, and they were, well, perfect.

Surely I was just the instrument. Those words came out of my mouth, straight from my heart, but they were all from God really. No surprise there either. As the Bible says "To God be the glory!" (I've always loved that saying!)