Burdening Children ... Even Adult Ones
When I was a little kid, I used to think the world made no sense. Correction, I used to think that the adults in the world - MY world, at least - made no sense. Specifically, I used to watch my parents - these 2 people who brought me into the world and were supposed to model friendship and love - not be so kind to one another and I just thought "wow, this is downright insane!" I was 6, maybe 7, and it warped me something awful for years and years after.
Let me make it clear that there were plenty of GREAT times and laughter in my home and that it definitely wasn't always bad. My parents did many things well and right and I love them and have relationships with both of them today but the truth remains that the bad simply and unfortunately outweighed (however much is beside the point) the good.
The worst part of this whole thing is not the past because the past is long gone and I am as complete with it as I can be. The worst part to me is that the past is still with us today because some 30+ years later, with me now at age 36, with 2 of my own children, and my parents having 10 other grandchildren from my siblings, it is still not complete for them.
Today, I am relieved to say, my parents do not "fight" as they did when I was a kid but they still have not accepted one another, forgiven one another, or grown with respect to each other either. They can be in the same room but you never know what you're gonna get, just like when we were kids. Back then, we NEVER knew when they'd be all lovey-dovey or when the sh*t was gonna fly. Today, at birthdays and holiday gatherings, you can sometimes feel the tension with one sitting in one corner and the other way on the other side and other times you sense nothing at all as they sit and chat at the same table, with the same group of guests.
Did I say insane yet? Oh yeah, I did. It just makes no sense.
The bottomline is that their relationship is still a burden for me. It is especially so when once again here comes another family celebration (Dylan's 2nd birthday in 2 weeks) and in addition to not knowing what space my parents will be in, my Mom's partner won't be here because of my Dad. Why can't everyone just hang and share and celebrate life the way my big brother and his ex-wife have done for their little daughter? I feel it is such a ripoff and a waste not to do this for your kids no matter what their age. Somehow it just doesn't seem right.
I have to say that while my "spirit" side understands and lets them be and doesn't cut them off and say "to hell with all of you, none of you come to this gathering or anything else in my life!", there's a part of me that resents all 3 of them for it. Why drag this thing out for years and generations? It seems so ludicrous.
As a parent, I honestly just cannot understand how 2 people can do that not just to each other but to themselves and to their children. It's as incomprehensible and beyond me now as it was when I was a kid and I doubt I'll ever think it alright.
In the end, none of this matters much though. This is all simply background. The question for me is who I need to be and where I need to grow in order to influence these people to create what I want and see as possible and as the highest potential for any family: being a STRONG, HAPPY, LOVING, PEACEFUL, and UNITED FAMILY that makes a positive difference in the world simply by being just that.
Man, that would be the bomb and a whole new beginning, that's for sure!
Maybe it's just time to take a real stand and be a demand for absolutely nothing less.
Maybe it's time to be willing to walk away if rejected once more.
Maybe it's time to say, "hey, no more of this crap, people!" for the possibility of something greater and for my very own parents and my siblings, not to mention my kids and their future and the legacy that's being left behind.
Maybe it's just time to do it for myself and my very life.
Let me make it clear that there were plenty of GREAT times and laughter in my home and that it definitely wasn't always bad. My parents did many things well and right and I love them and have relationships with both of them today but the truth remains that the bad simply and unfortunately outweighed (however much is beside the point) the good.
The worst part of this whole thing is not the past because the past is long gone and I am as complete with it as I can be. The worst part to me is that the past is still with us today because some 30+ years later, with me now at age 36, with 2 of my own children, and my parents having 10 other grandchildren from my siblings, it is still not complete for them.
Today, I am relieved to say, my parents do not "fight" as they did when I was a kid but they still have not accepted one another, forgiven one another, or grown with respect to each other either. They can be in the same room but you never know what you're gonna get, just like when we were kids. Back then, we NEVER knew when they'd be all lovey-dovey or when the sh*t was gonna fly. Today, at birthdays and holiday gatherings, you can sometimes feel the tension with one sitting in one corner and the other way on the other side and other times you sense nothing at all as they sit and chat at the same table, with the same group of guests.
Did I say insane yet? Oh yeah, I did. It just makes no sense.
The bottomline is that their relationship is still a burden for me. It is especially so when once again here comes another family celebration (Dylan's 2nd birthday in 2 weeks) and in addition to not knowing what space my parents will be in, my Mom's partner won't be here because of my Dad. Why can't everyone just hang and share and celebrate life the way my big brother and his ex-wife have done for their little daughter? I feel it is such a ripoff and a waste not to do this for your kids no matter what their age. Somehow it just doesn't seem right.
I have to say that while my "spirit" side understands and lets them be and doesn't cut them off and say "to hell with all of you, none of you come to this gathering or anything else in my life!", there's a part of me that resents all 3 of them for it. Why drag this thing out for years and generations? It seems so ludicrous.
As a parent, I honestly just cannot understand how 2 people can do that not just to each other but to themselves and to their children. It's as incomprehensible and beyond me now as it was when I was a kid and I doubt I'll ever think it alright.
In the end, none of this matters much though. This is all simply background. The question for me is who I need to be and where I need to grow in order to influence these people to create what I want and see as possible and as the highest potential for any family: being a STRONG, HAPPY, LOVING, PEACEFUL, and UNITED FAMILY that makes a positive difference in the world simply by being just that.
Man, that would be the bomb and a whole new beginning, that's for sure!
Maybe it's just time to take a real stand and be a demand for absolutely nothing less.
Maybe it's time to be willing to walk away if rejected once more.
Maybe it's time to say, "hey, no more of this crap, people!" for the possibility of something greater and for my very own parents and my siblings, not to mention my kids and their future and the legacy that's being left behind.
Maybe it's just time to do it for myself and my very life.
posted by Narah at 10:36 AM
