One Year Ago

So, I last posted on here exactly a year ago. Unbelievable I'd come to this website tonight after really just posting on FB this whole time! And oh, yeah! A heart attack and then some is what I had. My, oh, my, how my life has changed!! Even with my boy gone home, how ABSOLUTELY wonderful too ...

STEVEN CHARLES DORBER, JR.

That's ALL I really have to say ...

I LOVE YOU, BABY! I LOVE YOU, GOD!

For ever,
Narah

The Massive Heart Attack

Two months since I wrote here and it seems impossible. With everything that's going on, I haven't written in here for that long?! WOW! Well, Facebook has been great for sharing here and there and my journal has been put to good use as well. Everything I've been dealing with has all been so extraordinarily meaty and juicy, in fact, that I actually have a separate journal just for all that's going on at this particular time in my life. I'm not gonna go into details here although I will soon enough (yes, you'll get to be in on it all) but for now, I'm gonna share an e-mail my little sister, Nino, forwarded me and what I wrote back. It really encompasses where I find myself these days.

A preface ... the first part is written by Nino's friend whose sister passed away after a battle with cancer. It is followed by what I wrote back to Nino, my other sisters, and some girlfriends in response.

Dear Flickr Friends,

I am okay, but apparently everyone assures me it gets worse... great. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am looking forward to cratering into an enormous deep dark depression. But until then... screw you motherf_ckers! If you could learn anything from Debby, it was that you should be loving life... it's a gift... it's ALL a gift... even if your life sucks... enjoy it anyways... enjoy each other... and praise God. The rain falls on the just and unjust alike. God doesn't make the mud... he gives you the Grace to get through it....

FYI... If you are in the Houston area

Debby's Wake Vigil/Rosary
Saturday, May 23 at 7 p.m.St. Maximilian Kolbe Catholic Church
10135 West Road (corner of West and Wheatland Rd.)
Houston, TX, 77064 (We are building our new church, so be forewarned that parking lot is not spacious. 2/3 of it is under-construction. You don't have to be Catholic to go. And if you like I can even personally teach you how to pray the rosary. Yay... it's fun to learn new things!)

Debby's Memorial or her aka "Celebration of Life"
Sunday, May 24 at 2 p.m.
Earthman's Hunters Creek Chapel
8303 Katy Freeway (I-10 between Voss and Chimney Rock)
Houston, TX 77024

. . . .

Going through my wedding album looking for pict. for the Wake... I love Deb, she gave the best toast that night. Gorgeous big hair... purple "Barney" dress... Barney as the dinosaur not the store... Deb's description not mine because she felt like a purple dinosaur in it... she looked beautiful. (We reused eldest sister's bridesmaids dresses from her wedding... most of the same cast of characters... all the sisters and both of us had an addition friend named Katherine.) That was a great night!

(I do miss Deb... I washed, then hugged all of Deb's blankets today. And btw... I know it seems strange to cuss and mention God in the same post, but if you knew my sister it would make perfect sense. And God is cutting me a little slack these days... He's not as bad as some people think.)

Sincerely,
Whidbychick

p.s.- When or if I do cratered, please do NOT remind me of this post. Sometimes a good deep dark depression is just what the doctor ordered, but until then... I'll be enjoying some good memories.

I then wrote the following ...

Niner, this is the BEST personal e-mail I've had the pleasure to read in a very lonnnnnng time. Beautiful and perfect and all that great shit!

Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna go ahead and fucking cuss, too. Ha! I have been in my journal like a sailor!! (Sorry, Ma Mere, as Nino so often says). It's just enough of the aster*ks in just the r*ght places, you know? Like, what the FUCK?! Is the world gonna fucking end 'cause I cussed?

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!

Ha ha ha ha :-)

This reminds me of the movie "The Sure Thing" when John Cusack keeps telling Daphne Zuniga she's "REPRESSSSED!" "REPRESSSSSSSED!!!!"

Yeah, I am officially having a breakdown, ladies. A MASSIVE ONE like a massive heart attack and you know what? It feels damn good! So much more to come ... sooooooooo much. I'm all over the place but it's beautiful.

I love you all SO much,
Narah XOXO

Ay, Ay, Ay - Growing Pains Are Here Again

Lately, I'm feeling a lot of pain. So much so, I feel like I'm giving birth. And in some odd way, I am. I can feel the new me, the new life a-coming and boy, is it ever uncomfortable! Still, I much rather grow than die slowly, quietly, desperately so onward I go.

All I can say for now is that, in retrospect, it was HIGH time for this freefall and that I am glad to see that I did learn from the last time I went through a major change in my life (my divorce in 1994), that it is not the end of the world as we know it when monster change is happening.

On the other side of all this discomfort is a freer, even happier, more loving me which affirms the fact that change is good indeed and that I'll patiently endure what I must to take possession of that newborn/reborn me. I'm looking forward to it. :-)

Dying To Live

Dying to live ... as I write that, I know I am saying it in 2 different ways. One is I am dying to get to do what I want and to be who I am fully. I am still doing numbers and business things I truly have no interest in and it drags on and on and on. Of course, I am the one ultimately creating this so my goal is to complete all business by the end of this week. Doable? Maybe, maybe not. Committed to it? You bet. This.has.got.to.stop.

The other meaning is that I - the old me - AM dying - to live - so that the new me may live. This dying, this transformation thing, this whatever you call it boils down to the fact that making changes is tough, man. It's particularly tough when you know you have to make them but there is no clear picture of what's to come or of the path you're about to take.

Something inside me - this soul, this God inside me - beckons though and all I know is that, scared or not, I have to take that walk or I will always know an opportunity for growth was lost. I also know that what's to come is even closer to the truth of me than who I am here at this juncture of my life and that alone is enough incentive. Still, make no mistake about it, this, growing, is still downright frightening. However, it is no more so than knowingly and fearfully standing still, which is decidedly not me.

Music Non-Stop

Remember the song that said that? I do and that's what I often want ... just muuuusic, non-stop! :-)

I'm particularly a lyrics person more than the actual music though. Something about words is just all me, baby. Always has been. So, I think I'll be posting under a new label ... Music and Lyrics. Isn't there a movie called that too? I do believe there is, with Drew Barrymore & the English chap. I forget his name now.

Anyway, I think lyrics touch a nerve. Whether it's good or bad, we just identify with something someone says. We've been there or are actually experiencing the situation described right now in our lives. I know I am finding myself resonating with the following lyrics so I'll make them my first lyrics post:

"Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good"

I'll add to that my own line:
"Hurts so much when you can do nothing about it too."

Thank God I still feel life is good and that while it may not feel entirely so right this second, everything is alright and will be okay whether pain is there or not. That's always my salvation - that I know that while in the foreground, there's a lot of commotion much like in a painting, in the background of life, the canvas itself, there's nothing but peace.

L-O-V-E

Much has been happening lately - in the country, in the world, in all our lives, in my own. I am constantly hearing SO many different stories and perceptions and seeing situations from so many different angles that I keep thinking of what Charles Dickens (1812-1870) wrote in A Tale of Two Cities.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way ..."

As in the 1800's, nothing much ever changes. One sees from wherever one stands and finds oneself in circumstance but even more in perception and in the mind. For some, it is the best of times, for some, it is the worst. I believe Life is SO utterly remarkable that way, in all of these different (and differing) points of view and ways of being. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing and I am so grateful for having been born to partake in it all.

It (Life) truly is the greatest blessing.

That being said, and without intent to minimize it at all, I do believe the physical experience of it - the being here, the being human - is like a "game" of sorts.

I believe we're so beautiful and innocent in spirit and so guilty and almost comical in our egotism. Nothing wrong with that at all. The ego plays its role and, besides, that's just how it occurs for me and not necessarily how it does for anyone else.

For me though, that's the very reason I just choose to focus on the big picture and on the bottomline and that's that LOVE is all that really matters.

Those hugs, those smiles, those glances we share, the conversations, the laughs, the movies, the songs, the dinners, all those moments - the time spent together with people & the LOVE shared - that is ALL that counts.

Everything else pales in comparison so I waste time not on any of it. Life is just too beautiful - and wayyyyyy too short - to do so.

All I care about, the only thing that truly matters to me and makes me happy to wake up, is that I LOVE ... you, me, family, friends, everyone, God, life.

In the end, I truly believe that (LOVE) is all my soul is sure to take with it so that's what I want to feel while I'm here in this body and with you: LOVE LOVE LOVE ... and more LOVE. :-)

Big hugs and kisses to you all.

Always,
Narah XOXO

YOU Are Alive!

This was sent to me by my little sister, Nino (thanks, babe!), who obviously knows this is right up my alley. Yes! I LOVE LIFE! And I thank God SO much for it!

We're SO very blessed to be alive, people, and, if you find yourself in front of a computer reading this, you should know you are RIDICULOUSLY blessed then. RIDICULOUSLY!!! :-) Enjoy!!

All My Love,
Narah


CHANGE
From Paulo Coelho's Blog on 12/29/08

Almost in the space of the same week, I received from two readers a text that was supposedly written by me. No, it is not mine - although it has a lot to do with the way I see life. Since I found the material interesting, and in the hope of discovering the real author, I reproduce them below:

Change.
But start slowly, because direction is more important than speed.
Sit in another chair, on the other side of the table.
Later on, change tables.
When you go out, try to walk on the other side of the street. Then change your route, walk calmly down other streets, observing closely the places you pass by.
Take other buses. Change your wardrobe for a while; give away your old shoes and try to walk barefoot for a few days - even if only at home.
Take off a whole afternoon to stroll about freely, listening to the birds or the noise of the cars.
Open and shut the drawers and doors with your left hand.
Sleep on the other side of the bed. Then try sleeping in other beds.
Watch other TV programs, read other books, live other romances - even of only in your imagination.
Sleep until later. Go to bed earlier.
Learn a new word a day.
Eat a little less, eat a little more, eat differently; choose new seasonings, new colors, things you have never dared to experiment.
Lunch in other places, go to other restaurants, order another kind of drink and buy bread at another bakery.
Lunch earlier, have dinner later, or vice-versa.
Try something new every day: a new side, a new method, a new flavor, a new way, a new pleasure, a new position.
Pick another market, another make of soap, another toothpaste.
Take a bath at different times of the day.
Use pens with different colors.
Go and visit other places.
Love more and more and in different ways. Even when you think that the other will be frightened, suggest what you have always dreamed about doing when you make love.
Change your bag, your wallet, your suitcases, buy new glasses, write other poems.
Open an account in another bank, go to other cinemas, other hairdressers, other theaters, visit new museums.
Change. And think seriously of finding another job, another activity, work that is more like what you expect from life, more dignified, more human.
If you cannot find reasons to be free, invent them: be creative.
And grab the chance to take a long, enjoyable trip - preferably without any destination.
Try new things. Change again. Make another change. Experiment something else.
You will certainly know better things and worse things than those you already know, but that does not matter. What matters most is change, movement, dynamism, energy.
Only what is dead does not change - and you are alive.

Divine Timing

Have you ever noticed how perfect timing is? In a world of what often seems like mostly chaos, it is remarkable it is not ALL utter destruction. It leads me to think it can really only be by design. Ya think? :-)

I'm just glad for it, I tell you. I'm glad for that Higher Intelligence / Being, that which I refer to as GOD, the creator of it all. Because really, if it was just up to us - to plain, egotistical human beings without a seed of goodness inside of us, without being of God's likeness - and worse, if it was all up to pure chance - it would long ago have been over in a much uglier way than the world seems to be and look sometimes.

It is a miracle, life. Really. Each, and every, moment is and are truly divine. How ever did I win the lottery to be here and witness this? Thank you, God!

Thanksgiving

My life is so darn good, there aren't enough words - much less truly appropriate ones - to describe it. Sure it is not perfect and there are things I wish were more on the positive slant of life than the negative but, for me, all there is to do with those is be with them while working on them if they're something that really bother me and I feel something has to shift.

Otherwise, all there is to remember is that that is the background of life - the mere short-term. On the forefront - the long-term - the grand scheme of things - is the grandness of life itself and what it means to be alive in this world.

When I think about it, I just think "Holy mackerel! Life really is the end all-be all!" The beautiful things that surround us - this beautiful planet, with that great sun rising in the morning, beach waves lapping at shores, quiet rivers running through land, our families, our friends, people coming and going places, gorgeous countries, traveling, visiting landmarks, great food, beautiful music, the smell of a baby or the scent on and the feel of the skin of someone you love, a gorgeous sunset ... I could go on and on and on ...

All of this always leaves me thinking that Life is - well - amazing! It is crazy and exciting and sad and lovely and unpredictable and oh.SOOOOO.beautiful.

Nothing could ever compare to the love I feel for people, for life, for God, for goodness, for greatness or to the immense gratitude and joy and happiness I feel to be alive and connected and aware of what it means to be a human being. Thank You for being part of my human experience by being my family or my friend or just a person going through the same general experience of living, period. It's a MOST beautiful thing to be part of, life. I'm for ever grateful for it and all in it and I only hope you are too so that you have a heart so full of good feelings, you're, like me, also left hardly able to describe them.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY!

All my love always,
Narah

Speechless

Becoming speechless is what sometimes happens when I'm oh-so-excited! Life IS good ... especially after an Obama win! Something super good has happened in our country, the world, and life itself and I'll have to sit at some point and elaborate for myself so that I can actually taste it. Right now it just comes in waves. I shall share. For now, it just feels AMAZING!

P.S. I must say thanks to the many Republicans who immediately offered their congratulations on our big win. As one of them said "Listen, he is OUR President now. We have to be behind him and I want him to be as good as you feel he is for all of us to benefit." Exactly!! Such cool, classy people. Thanks, guys!! MUAH!Only wish every Republican (and Democrat, when we have lost) was that mature. One can always HOPE! :-) Oh my gosh, we're SO-SO happy in this household! Gooooooooooooooo President-Elect OBAMA!!

Turn Your Car Lights On ...

Pass it on ...

Whether you voted for BARACK OBAMA or not ... and, especially if you did ... turn your car lights on to show your support of, and respect for, the next President of the United States of America today, Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 and the rest of the week!

This e-mail has been started in Miami, Florida, USA. Enter your city or country below and send it on to everyone on your list until it goes around the whole world!!! Please be sure to copy TheNextUSAPresident@gmail.com so that we can keep track of how many places this e-mail reaches throughout our planet and keep you posted on the same. All the best to everyone!!!!

1) Miami, Florida, USA
2)

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

President-Elect Barack Obama!

President-Elect Barack Obama ... I SO like the sound of that!!!!!

It's a BIG Day in America!

Election Day is finally here! What a HUGE day for America. Whether you like or supported Bush or not, after 8 years of the same president, we get to choose someone else. In fact, not only do we get to choose someone else, we get to CHOOSE, period, first and foremost.

Don't take this very basic right for granted. Cast your ballot today for whomever you want, whatever your reasons. May they just be true and honorable, with dignity and without any kind of hate or personal attack. It's simply unnecessary and unbecoming.

Just vote ... women, especially since we couldn't always. We're all so darn lucky. What a privilege it is to live in this country! May you be present to that today and always.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL & GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Seconds

Yesterday was a day of Firsts, today is a day of Seconds.

* Today is the second chilly day in Miami this year - and in a row, too. Love it!

* Seconds is a beautiful way to measure time. It really is that precious; every second really does count!!

* The second time around with my hubby rocks. You may know the story - we married young - I was 18, he was 23 - we divorced almost 4 years later, we got back together 7 years after that and remarried on the same day and date - Wednesday, August 29 - with the same rings to boot! (I'd kept them in a bank safe deposit box not because I thought we'd get back together but because every time I took them to the pawn shop, I just couldn't part with them)

Now, today is obviously not August 29 but it is October 29 and that's the day we met in 1988! Craziness, 20 years. It's just unbelieveable!

So, yeah, seconds in life are a good thing ... having your second child (my wonderful Dylan!), seconds on yummy food, a second glass of wine, second chances. They're all so good!

But, don't worry, I won't be doing thirds tomorrow. :-) ha ha ha Promise!! Have a great day, everyone!!

Firsts

Today is the first chilly day in Miami this year. It is also Steven's first full day at home (he went home from the hospital yesterday afternoon! YAY!!!!) and tonight he meets his daughter for the first time. How wonderful is that? Thank you all who posted well-wishes for him! He's truly, truly grateful!!